.· From Beneath it devours ·.

“Fucking bustard” That expression almost all the time I get frustrated about something or someone (specially) calms my nerves. But a rather shout inside loud than properly outside.
The weekend I could broadly see what really gets me in relationships: Boundlessness.
I must say I’m a needy person in terns of commitment and when I feel things are getting right I almost certainly want to get to the next level.
Quick and painless. Sure not! Due to the same process which links me to the next step, there is another force responsible to quibble the situation so something can be done in order to fix it or improve.
Well, That’s in fact holds me from enjoying the process once my worriness is facing the future almost excluding the present situation.
The pseudo paradox prohibits me from moving along the relationship once i’m just concerned about the future which I’ll no longer have.
The circuit closes when the outcome is visible, and as an alternative to put things right the attachment becomes a strong way to solve the problem that increases according to the negative responses repulsing the two involved parts.
To make thins short, I get further trying to get closer.
Funny because I always jump into a relationship as the careless part and end up being the weak the most involved one. To protect myself from this kind of exposure I created a shield which gets stronger as I feel weakness from the other’s part. So I get farther, and consequentially safer, theorically.
In the preset moment I’m devouring myself inside out trying to understand the distancing even though he doesn’t see that way (or pretends that doesn’t).
As conclusion one step back due to put both in same pages is advisable, so be it. Kids in the closet, tears alone and coldness shall prevail.
I still want all the things I used to, but I don’t necessarily need to show them up. I’ll keep them hidden, in the same place that I am, hoping that someday someone can dig them out and make all my dreams, shallow or childish, girly or utopia, come true.

Motto: “ From beneath it devours”

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